Midnight Blue Citrus

I lit the candle you gave me last night.

I watched this movie and it made me think so much of us

And our relationship.

The ways in which I failed you

And I guess 

The things you couldn’t give

To me.

You know I have regrets too.

I don’t look forwards

Without looking back.

I would have done so many things differently

Maybe then it would have worked

Who knows.

All I know is that I’m terrified.

What it would be

To wake up

And realise all my mistakes.

I wonder what type of person I am.

I try to understand

Who was the idealist in the relationship.

I go back in time to when we worked on it

To when we thought we could figure it out.

I missed your intense optimism.

What was my failing?

Being a pessimist?

Not taking enough risks?

My cowardice

Perhaps driven me to a life alone.

Come back and tell me my idiocy

Won’t you.

I don’t know what I’ve done.

I pray I do.

You were right about the candle.

I think it’s the most beautiful candle

I’ve ever seen.

Do you know that it looks different 

With the light on

And the light off?

With the light it looks like a blue summer’s day

Like the one we had today.

In darkness

It looks like all the night-skies of my childhood

And the three flames are the brightest stars

That I wished on

Time and time again.

How did you know?

I’ve tried and tried to take a picture for you

But it’s one of those things.

You have to be there to see it

To understand it

To appreciate it.

Sometimes things have to break

So that you know

What you really want.